December 30, 2019

Where to start after a nearly 6 month break? Does anyone even care about this blog anymore?

Almost 6 months ago, my beautiful baby girl, M, was born. She came slowly, one day before her due date, tall and lean and strong. Nick, M, and I have spent the last 6 months getting to know each other and adjusting to life as a family of 3.

Nick took off two weeks when she was born (secondary caregiver leave sucks in the military). After that, he took at least one day per week off each week until she was about 3 months old. Even though Nick didn’t have a long paternity leave, it felt like we had a lot of time together to bond and recover. Those short weeks helped me a lot, and they also really helped Nick and M bond. I’m so grateful that Nick’s job has let him take so much time off.

I don’t feel like I struggled with my sense of self after M was born, like a lot of new moms do. I think that’s because I already went through a major identity crisis, when I moved to Hawaii. I still feel like myself, although I know I’ve changed. I think I struggled mostly with finding my new normal, which is hard with such a tiny baby because that changes every day.

I struggled a lot with leaving the house with M for a long time, which is something I wasn’t expecting. I remember one day, I couldn’t even go two blocks to the grocery store with her. I didn’t go on a walk with her alone until she was 6 or 7 weeks.

I struggled a lot with breastfeeding, which was all-consuming for the first few weeks. All I could think about or focus on. We’re both pros now. I also broke my tailbone in labor and I struggled a lot with my recovery, which is slow and ongoing.

Thankfully, I had a lot of help from our families in the beginning, especially from my mom. She’s been visiting me from New York twice per month to help me out. I really feel like the help makes me a better mom, plus it’s nice to spend that time together anyway. I have a whole new appreciation for my mom since having M and I think it’s made us closer.

In the midst of these struggles, there has been of course so much beauty and joy and love. M smiles and laughs now, looks for me whenever I’m in the room, and is just the most snuggly, smiley, and happy girl. She is so sweet and loving and when she looks at me with those sweet and loving eyes, I just melt. I haven’t really wanted to blog when I could be spending time with her. I love taking her out on adventures because she loves to go for walks and to be outside. I love when Nick is home so we can go exploring all together. We took our first trip together as a family over Christmas and while there were some bumps, we figured it out and had a great time.

I couldn’t blog for so long, mainly, though, because M has required me to hold her for all of her naps. I actually love this about her and I have loved holding her for every nap, but that obviously doesn’t leave any time for blogging (or eating, or cooking, or cleaning, or showering…). She’s sleeping in her crib now, though. I’ll probably hold her for her next nap because it’s the best.

I’ve been torn on how much to share about this little girl, who is the biggest part of my life right now. I don’t plan to post any pictures of her face on my blog or to post really personal things about her. I also wonder if anyone will go back to reading my blog. I’ve missed blogging SO much and I feel that at this point, it’s a part of me. I have an idea of where I want this blog to go and I am sure it will evolve and change as I evolve and change as a mom. I hope you will stick around.

Next post will be M’s birth story – stay tuned!

What kind of things would you like to hear about from a new mom? If you are a mom, what struggles did you face when you became a mom?

10 responses to “And then we were three.”

  1. Stephanie M says:

    I struggled with breastfeeding my first, too. It was incredibly difficult, and leaned on my mother and MIL. Welcome back!

  2. Janet Hendrickson Munin says:

    So happy to hear this!! Congratulations!

    My biggest struggle becoming a mom was that it *did* challenge my sense of self, especially because it took me out of grad school for a year (and ultimately derailed my goal of becoming a university professor, although there was more to that than just motherhood). It took me a while to fall in love with my baby, but my connection with my daughter deepens every year — even now when she just turned 24 and recently moved back in with me.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Congratulations! It is so nice to see a post from you. I had been wondering how you were doing. I hope you enjoy every minute with your little girl.

  4. Shikha Singh says:

    Congratulations and you have been missed! So glad you have settled into life as a 3. I too have had several months off my blog but I’m so glad to see you back and really hope to get back to blogging myself too.

  5. Audrey says:

    So glad to have you back (& I totally understand the need to step away). I struggled a lot with my self identity when my M was born. It’s only been 3 and a half weeks but it’s been a doozy. (Lack of sleep doesn’t help, haha.) Fortunately I think we’re getting a handle on it. Of course, once we figure it out she’ll change it up on us. Hahaha. Moms are the best. My relationship with mine has improved so much since I became a mom, too.

  6. Lindsay says:

    So glad you decided to post today! So glad that you decided to post today. Cannot wait to read about your day to day life as a new mom! So glad that M is sleeping in her crib now as it allows you a little time for yourself while she is sleeping! Make sure to Eat first, Laundry Second, and then of Course Blogging!

  7. Sarah says:

    I’m still here! And so happy to read a post from you. Looking forward to whatever you decide to write and wherever you’d like to take this blog 🙂

  8. Good grief you broke your tailbone in labor? That sounds terrible. Can’t believe she’s 6 months old! Super sweet picture 🙂

  9. Julie says:

    A bit late, but yay!! I’m still here and nice to have you back! Eesh, I can’t believe you broke your tailbone.. F!

  10. Kari says:

    Congrats on your new little one, and oh my goodness I can’t believe you endured a broken tailbone in the process! Hope your family of three is doing well!

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i=buildSignature({callbacks:e,context:t},n);fetch(`/${TRACKING_URL}`,{method:"POST",headers:{Accept:"application/json","Content-Type":"application/json"},body:JSON.stringify({signature:encode(i)})})};var State$1;!function(){if(!window.CustomEvent){function e(e,t){t=t||{bubbles:!1,cancelable:!1,detail:void 0};const n=document.createEvent("CustomEvent");return n.initCustomEvent(e,t.bubbles,t.cancelable,t.detail),n}e.prototype=window.Event.prototype,window.CustomEvent=e}}(),function(e){e[e.Pending=0]="Pending",e[e.Loaded=1]="Loaded",e[e.Failed=2]="Failed"}(State$1||(State$1={}));class Provider{constructor(e){this.timeoutSeconds=5,this.handlePixelEvent=e=>{switch(this.state){case State$1.Failed:break;case State$1.Pending:setTimeout((()=>this.handlePixelEvent(e)),100);break;case State$1.Loaded:this.onPixelEvent(e)}},this.watch=()=>{switch(this.state){case State$1.Loaded:case State$1.Failed:break;case State$1.Pending:this.isLoaded()?this.state=State$1.Loaded:this.isTimedOut()?this.state=State$1.Failed:setTimeout(this.watch,50)}},this.config=e,this.identifier&&this.identifier.length>0?(this.state=State$1.Pending,this.timeoutAt=new Date,this.timeoutAt.setSeconds(this.timeoutAt.getSeconds()+this.timeoutAfter()),this.injectPixel()):this.state=State$1.Failed}get identifier(){var e;return null===(e=this.config)||void 0===e?void 0:e.key}get pixelEvents(){var e;return null===(e=this.config)||void 0===e?void 0:e.pixel_events}injectPixel(){this.injectedAt||(this.injectedAt=new Date,this.inject(),this.watch())}inject(){const e=document.createElement("script");e.text=this.script,document.head.appendChild(e)}isTimedOut(){return+new Date>=+this.timeoutAt}timeoutAfter(){return this.timeoutSeconds}selectPixelEvents(e){if(Array.isArray(this.pixelEvents))return this.pixelEvents.filter((t=>"term-view"===t.trigger&&"visit"===e||(!(!["term-click","ad-view"].includes(t.trigger)||"ctr"!==e)||"ad-click"===t.trigger&&"click"===e)))}}class Facebook extends Provider{get script(){return`!function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s){if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function(){n.callMethod?n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments)};if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0;t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)}(window, document,'script','https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js');fbq('init', '${this.identifier}');`}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&(e.custom?window.fbq("trackCustom",e.event):window.fbq("track",e.event))}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.fbq}}class Outbrain extends Provider{get script(){return`!function(_window, _document) {var OB_ADV_ID = '${this.identifier}';if (_window.obApi) {var toArray = function(object) {return Object.prototype.toString.call(object) === '[object Array]' ? object : [object];};_window.obApi.marketerId = toArray(_window.obApi.marketerId).concat(toArray(OB_ADV_ID));return;}var api = _window.obApi = function() {api.dispatch ? api.dispatch.apply(api, arguments) : api.queue.push(arguments);};api.version = '1.1';api.loaded = true;api.marketerId = OB_ADV_ID;api.queue = [];var tag = _document.createElement('script');tag.async = true;tag.src = '//amplify.outbrain.com/cp/obtp.js';tag.type = 'text/javascript';var script = _document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];script.parentNode.insertBefore(tag, script);}(window, document);`}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window.obApi("track",e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.obApi}}class Revcontent extends Provider{get script(){return""}inject(){const e=document.createElement("script");e.src="https://assets.revcontent.com/master/rev.js",document.head.appendChild(e)}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window.rev("event",e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.rev}}class Taboola extends Provider{get script(){return"window._tfa = window._tfa || [];!function (t, f, a, x) {if (!document.getElementById(x)) {t.async = 1;t.src = a;t.id=x;f.parentNode.insertBefore(t, f);}}(document.createElement('script'),document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0],'//cdn.taboola.com/libtrc/unip/1451879/tfa.js','tb_tfa_script');"}onPixelEvent(e){this.selectPixelEvents(e).forEach((e=>{e&&window._tfa.push({notify:"event",name:e.event,id:e.pixel_id})}))}isLoaded(){return Array.isArray(window._tfa)}}class Tiktok extends Provider{constructor(e,t){super(e),this.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser=t}get script(){return`!function (w, d, t) {w.TiktokAnalyticsObject=t;var ttq=w[t]=w[t]||[];ttq.methods=["page","track","identify","instances","debug","on","off","once","ready","alias","group","enableCookie","disableCookie"],ttq.setAndDefer=function(t,e){t[e]=function(){t.push([e].concat(Array.prototype.slice.call(arguments,0)))}};for(var i=0;i{e&&window.ttq.instance(this.identifier).track(e.event)}))}isLoaded(){return!!window.ttq}}const ADS_PARAM$1="?caf",MESSAGE_PREFIX="FSXDC,.aCS:",ALLOWED_ORIGINS=["https://www.google.com","https://www.adsensecustomsearchads.com"];class Pixels{static build(e){const t=unpackPHPArrayObject(e,"pixel_tracking_data");if(t)return t.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser=e.is_ads,new Pixels(t)}constructor(e){this.onPixelEvent=e=>{const{detail:{type:t}}=e;switch(t){case"visit":case"ctr":case"click":this.providers.forEach((e=>e.handlePixelEvent(t)))}},this.providers=[new Facebook(e.facebook),new Tiktok(e.tiktok,e.useAltTikTokEventsForAdsPlatformUser),new Taboola(e.taboola),new Revcontent(e.revcontent),new Outbrain(e.outbrain)]}listenForEvents(){document.addEventListener("pixel",(e=>{this.onPixelEvent(e)}));window.onmessage=e=>{const{origin:t,data:n}=e;ALLOWED_ORIGINS.includes(t)&&(null==n?void 0:n.startsWith(MESSAGE_PREFIX))&&window.location.search.startsWith(ADS_PARAM$1)&&document.dispatchEvent(new CustomEvent("pixel",{detail:{type:"click"}}))}}dispatchEvent(e){document.dispatchEvent(new CustomEvent("pixel",{detail:e}))}}var State;!function(e){e[e.Pending=0]="Pending",e[e.Loaded=1]="Loaded",e[e.Failure=2]="Failure",e[e.TimedOut=3]="TimedOut",e[e.Errored=4]="Errored"}(State||(State={}));const CAF_SCRIPT_SRC="https://www.google.com/adsense/domains/caf.js",TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS=Number(GOOGLE_CAF_TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS),TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS=Number(GOOGLE_CAF_TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS);class StateMachine{constructor(){this.state=State.Pending}transitionTo(e){this.state=e}transitionFromPendingTo(e){this.done||(this.state=e)}get loaded(){return this.state===State.Loaded}get timedOut(){return this.state===State.TimedOut}get done(){return this.state!==State.Pending}}class Ads{constructor(e,t){this.state={script:new StateMachine,blocks:new StateMachine},this.blocksLoaded=[],this.injectScriptTags=()=>__awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=document.createElement("script");t.type="text/javascript",t.src=CAF_SCRIPT_SRC,t.addEventListener("load",(()=>e(!0))),t.addEventListener("error",(()=>e(!1))),document.body.appendChild(t),TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS>0&&setTimeout((()=>e(!1)),TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS)}))})),this.onPageLoaded=(e,t)=>{if(this.pageLoaded={requestAccepted:e,status:t},this.state.script.done)return;const n=null==t?void 0:t.error_code;n?(this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.failureReason=`caf_pageloaderror_${n}`):this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Loaded)},this.onBlockLoaded=(e,t,n,i)=>{this.blocksLoaded.push({containerName:e,adsLoaded:t,isExperimentVariant:n,callbackOptions:i}),this.state.blocks.done||(t?this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Loaded):this.blocksLoaded.length>=this.blocks.length&&(this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.failureReason=`caf_adloadfail_${e}`))},this.onTimeout=()=>{this.state.script.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut),this.state.blocks.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut)},this.blocks=e,this.options=t}get loaded(){return this.state.script.loaded&&!this.blocksLoaded.map((e=>e.adsLoaded)).includes(!1)}waitForBlocks(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=()=>{const n=performance.now();if(this.state.blocks.done)return this.cafLoadTime=Math.round(n-this.cafStartTime),void e();const i=this.blocksLoaded.map((e=>e.adsLoaded));i.includes(!1)||i.length>=this.blocks.length?e():setTimeout(t,50)};t()}))}))}inject(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){try{const e=yield this.injectScriptTags();return this.cafStartTime=performance.now(),e&&void 0!==window.google?(new window.google.ads.domains.Caf(Object.assign(Object.assign({},this.options),{pageLoadedCallback:this.onPageLoaded,adLoadedCallback:this.onBlockLoaded}),...this.blocks),TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS>0&&setTimeout(this.onTimeout,TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS),yield new Promise((e=>{const t=()=>{this.state.script.done?e():setTimeout(t,10)};t()}))):void this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure)}catch(e){return void(this.error=e.toString())}}))}toCallbacks(){return{adLoadedCallback:this.blocksLoaded.slice(-1)[0],pageLoadedCallback:this.pageLoaded,cafTimedOut:this.state.script.timedOut||this.state.blocks.timedOut,cafLoadedMs:this.cafLoadTime,googleAdsFailure:!!this.failureReason}}toContext(){const e={cafScriptWasLoaded:this.state.script.loaded,cafScriptLoadTime:this.cafLoadTime,callbacks:this.toCallbacks};return this.error&&(e.js_error={message:this.error}),this.state.script.loaded||(e.zeroclick={reason:"googleAdsFailure"}),e}mockFailedState(){this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure)}}class TagManager{constructor(e){this.injected=!1,this.identifier=e}inject(){if(this.injected)return;if(!this.identifier)return;if("TEST"===this.identifier)return;const e=document.createElement("script");e.setAttribute("src",`https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=${this.identifier}`),document.head.appendChild(e),this.track(),this.injected=!0}track(){this.push("js",new Date),this.push("config",this.identifier)}push(e,t){window.dataLayer||(window.dataLayer=[]),window.dataLayer.push(arguments)}}const ADS_PARAM="caf",ADS_TRACKING_URL="_tr",BLOCKS_TYPE="ads",BLOCKS_CONTAINER="rs",KNOWN_CAF_PARAMS=["caf","query","afdToken","pcsa","nb","nm","nx","ny","is","clkt"];class Google{static build({pageOptions:e,preferredLanguage:t,blocks:n,googleAnalytics:i},s,a,o){let r={};e&&(r=Object.assign({},e),r.hl||(r.hl=t));let d=null==e?void 0:e.resultsPageBaseUrl;d||(d=window.location.origin);return new Google(s.uuid,n,r,i,d,o)}constructor(e,t,n,i,s,a){this._blocks=t,this._pageOptions=n,this.uuid=e,this._baseURL=new URL(s),this._signature=a,this.ads=new Ads(this.blocks,this.pageOptions),this.tagManager=new TagManager(i)}injectTagManager(){this.tagManager.inject()}injectAds(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){yield this.ads.inject()}))}waitForBlocks(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return this.ads.waitForBlocks()}))}get blocks(){return(this._blocks||[]).filter((e=>this.wantsToServeAds?e.type===BLOCKS_TYPE:e.container===BLOCKS_CONTAINER)).map((e=>{const t=this.baseURL,n=new URLSearchParams(window.location.search);n.forEach(((e,n)=>{t.searchParams.has(n)||t.searchParams.append(n,e)}));const i=Object.assign({},e);return i.resultsPageBaseUrl=t.toString(),this.wantsToServeAds&&(n.append("click","true"),n.append("session",this.uuid),n.append("signature",encode(this._signature)),i.clicktrackUrl=`${TRACKING_DOMAIN}${ADS_TRACKING_URL}?${n.toString()}`),i}))}get baseURL(){const e=new URL(this._baseURL.origin);return e.searchParams.append(ADS_PARAM,"1"),this._baseURL.searchParams.forEach(((t,n)=>{e.searchParams.append(n,t)})),e}get pageOptions(){const e=Object.assign({},this._pageOptions);return Object.keys(this._pageOptions).forEach((t=>{t.startsWith("bodis")&&delete e[t]})),e}get cannotLoadAds(){return!this.ads.loaded}get wantsToServeAds(){return new URLSearchParams(window.location.search).has(ADS_PARAM)}get adsMode(){return this.ads.loaded&&this.wantsToServeAds}get adsReady(){return this.wantsToServeAds&&!this.cannotLoadAds}get noAdsRedirectUrl(){const e=new URLSearchParams(window.location.search);return KNOWN_CAF_PARAMS.forEach((t=>e.delete(t))),`${window.location.origin}?${e.toString()}`}get callbacks(){return this.ads.toCallbacks()}toContext(){return Object.assign({blocks:this.blocks,pageOptions:this.pageOptions},this.ads.toContext())}}class CookieConsentManager{constructor(){this.injectScriptTag=()=>__awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){return new Promise((e=>{const t=document.createElement("script");t.setAttribute("src",COOKIE_CONSENT_JS_URL),t.addEventListener("load",(()=>this.awaitConsent(e))),t.addEventListener("error",(()=>e(!1))),document.head.appendChild(t)}))}))}inject(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.injected||!COOKIE_CONSENT_JS_URL||isLocal()||(this.injected=yield this.injectScriptTag())}))}awaitConsent(e){let t=0;const n=setInterval((()=>{t+=1,20===t&&(clearInterval(n),e(!0)),void 0!==window.__tcfapi&&(window.addEventListener("ConsentActivity",(t=>{const{detail:{status:n}}=t;n&&e(!0)})),clearInterval(n))}),50)}}class App{main(){var e,t;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){if(this.parkResponse=decode(),this.findDomainResponse=yield getFindDomain(),!this.findDomainResponse)throw new Error("Domain failed to load.");this.pixels=Pixels.build(this.findDomainResponse),null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.listenForEvents(),this.adblock=new Adblock,yield this.adblock.inject(),this.google=Google.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.parkResponse,this.adblock,buildSignature({context:this.context,callbacks:null===(t=this.google)||void 0===t?void 0:t.callbacks},"click")),this.google.injectTagManager();const n=Parking.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.google);Render.prerender(n),this.cookieConsentManager=new CookieConsentManager,yield this.cookieConsentManager.inject();let i=Failed.cannotPark(this.findDomainResponse);if(i)return void(yield this.transitionToFailed(i));yield this.google.injectAds();const s=Disabled.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.adblock.state);if(s)return void(yield this.transitionToDisabled(s));const a=Sales.build(this.findDomainResponse);if(a)return void(yield this.transitionToSales(a));this.eligibleForZeroClick&&(this.zeroClickResponse=yield getZeroClick(this.context));const o=Redirect.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.zeroClickResponse,this.google);o?yield this.transitionToRedirect(o):(i=Failed.noSponsors(this.google),i?yield this.transitionToFailed(i):yield this.transitionToParking(n))}))}transitionToParking(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.template(e),Render.revealPage(),yield this.google.waitForBlocks(),yield this.track()}))}transitionToRedirect(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e;const t=this.track();Render.revealPage(),yield waiter(e.delay,(e=>Render.loading(e))),yield t,window.location.href=e.url,log(`➡ Redirecting [${e.url}]`)}))}transitionToFailed(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),yield this.track()}))}transitionToSales(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,e.init(this.context),yield this.track()}))}transitionToDisabled(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),yield this.track()}))}track(){var e;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){if(!this.state.track)return Promise.resolve();try{const t=this.state.trackingType;return null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.dispatchEvent({type:t}),trackVisit({context:this.context,callbacks:this.google.callbacks},t)}catch(e){return}}))}get eligibleForZeroClick(){const{cannotPark:e,canZeroClick:t,zeroClick:n}=this.findDomainResponse,{cannotLoadAds:i,wantsToServeAds:s}=this.google;return!!t&&(!!e||(!(!i||s)||!!(null==n?void 0:n.reason)))}get context(){var e,t,n,i;const s=this.findDomainResponse,a=this.parkResponse,o=null===(e=this.state)||void 0===e?void 0:e.toContext(),r=null===(t=this.adblock)||void 0===t?void 0:t.toContext(),d=null===(n=this.google)||void 0===n?void 0:n.toContext(),c=browserState(),l=Object.assign(Object.assign({},null===(i=this.findDomainResponse)||void 0===i?void 0:i.zeroClick),this.zeroClickResponse);return Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign(Object.assign({app_version:APP_VERSION,zeroClick:l},s),a),r),d),o),c)}init(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function*(){try{window.__parkour=this,yield this.main()}catch(e){console.error("app",e);const t=Failed.fromError(e);this.state=t,Render.message(t.message),Render.revealPage()}}))}}(new App).init(),exports.App=App}));